Some text on this page
intentionally enlarged for some of you
OM. If it is too large for some of
you....just turn down your rf gain!
DANGER...DANGER... QRM OVERLOAD
ON THIS PAGE---DUE TO OPERATOR MALFUNCTION... RF BURNS TO THE BRAIN
POSSIBLE Use Caution! This web
page constructed on a closed keyboard using a non-professional driver
while on a cell phone! ASPCA NOTICE No wild animals
were harmed during the construction of this page, only lame ham radio
All dangerous high powered operations on this web page
resulting in extreme rf exposure were performed by freebanders
only, following exact rules of FCC Part
Now that all those disclaimers are
behind us......have fun!
I am not a
turkey, I'm a ham!
2O METERS "Yesterday, my XYL said she'd leave
me if I didn't give up ham radio. Over."
Hi and welcome to my ham radio
humor page. I will show you around this page that contains a bit of ham
radio humor but first you need to remember that you had a sked 29 minutes
ago with a rare DX station on 20 meters and you were to call the XYL to
remind her to remind you to remind her so she would not forget to call you
about whatever it was that you had forgotten to tell her mother, but you
just remembered that you had forgotten to pay the phone bill and the
telephone company did not forget that you forgot....so they cut you
off!!! I forgot what I was going to say to you about this
page...maybe you can remember to remind me!!! To find me, just tune
your VFO to 14.313Mhz, I am there shooting Skip...... again.... I tried
once before but he
HAMMOBILE HAS LANDED! Click
Picture for description of the Hammobile and listen to real recorded
audio transmissions from it! Then come back
here for more ham radio
COOK A HAM (SCROLL DOWN FOR
INGREDIENTS: 1 ea HAM
RADIO OPERATOR FULLY SEASONED, WITH A TECH, GENERAL
OR HIGHER LICENSE
1 ea PARABOLIC REFLECTOR (100 FT
1ea 1 MEGAWATT TRANSMITTER
(EXPERIMENTAL PERMIT) 1ea
POUND BROWN SUGAR
PROCEDURE: PLACE 1 ea HAM INTO
MAIN LOBE OF DISH AT THE FOCAL POINT AS IN PICTURE BELOW AND SECURE
COVER HIM WELL WITH BROWN SUGAR... (It is
sometimes best to start with a coating of honey)
TRANSMITTER TO 100GHZ FM,
APPLY FULL POWER UNTIL EYES OF
HAM START GLOWING GREEN....
MOVE BACK...THERE WILL BE
YELLING AND SCREAMING! (Protect your ears!)
RADIATING UNTILL HE YELLS I'M
(Recipe courtesy of a Freebander who failed his
(Editors note) ANY
COOKING INSTRUCTIONS ON THIS PAGE SHOULD BE DONE UNDER THE
SUPERVISION OF AN AMATEUR RADIO OPERATOR HOLDING AT LEAST AN
EXTRA CALL SIGN OVER AN OPEN FLAME FOR TEN MINUTES OR UNTIL THE
BAND CHANGES! ALL COOKING PROCEDURES SHOULD ONLY BE DONE USING NEW
FINAL TUBES! ....BONE A PAH
Operator Receives Strange Signals and Pictures
from Mars Lander!
One radio ham calls
the emergency net: "Help, please, my friend and I were shooting
lions in the mountins and suddenly I heard a shot and when I turned
back see my friend laying on the ground, still and bleeding...I
got on the radio and said, "Send us a hellicopter. This is
urgent and an emergency please..." - The man in charge asks,
"Is he dead or alive?" I replied, "Ok Iīm not sure, but, please,
send the chopper right now." The radio operator on the net
replied, "Let me explain to you, sir; the chopper squad is very
expensive, so we send them only for injured people, not
dead. In those cases we send rangers by land, thatīs the reason
to be completely sure the person is dead or not..." - "OK, I got
it, just wait a minute..." A shot is heard and the "friend"
came back to the radio: "Now we can be sure: send the rangers,
please..." From Argentina,
YOU MIGHT BE A HAM IF........ 1. YOUR WIFE SAID "LETS GO SEE AUNT ANNA" AND YOU
THOUGHT SHE SAID ANTENNA! 2. YOUR WIFE SAID "COULD YOU CUT THE GRASS?" AND
YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID POUND
THE BRASS! 3. YOUR WIFE SAID "WE'VE BEEN INVITED TO BREAKFAST" AND
YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID HAM
FEST! 4. YOUR WIFE SAID "SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THE CHECK
BOOK" AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID LOG BOOK! 5. YOUR WIFE SAID "IS MY SEAM STRAIGHT?" AND YOU
THOUGHT SHE SAID,
" IS MY BEAM STRAIGHT?" 6. YOUR WIFE SAID " TURN ON THE FAN AND YOU
SHOUGHT SHE SAID CHANGE THE BANDS. kc9rxc You might be hard of hearing
YOU KNOW YOUR A HAM IF: 1. You know your
a ham if you ID every ten minutes during a regular conversation.
Is it OK to operate AM....after NOON?
Ham Weight Loss Program.....AUTOMATIC GAIN CONTROL!
The new Mobile Shack ready for field day...complete with
all the extras! Take
a look at my new 2 meter beam...I shore are proud of it!
FLASH! NEW SOFTWARE PROGRAM THAT CHANGES YOUR COMPUTER
MONITOR INTO A DIGITAL PHOTO SCANNER! TAKE YOUR PICTURE WHILE ON THE
WEB! SEE WHAT YOU REALY LOOK LIKE TO OTHERS! NO CAMERA NEEDED!
(The software and your monitor does it all! Click here
for a live DEMO!
elderly ham driver was going down the interstate when suddenly his 2
meter rig crackled his call...Answering...he heard a fellow ham's
urgent warning....."Hey Elmer, just heard on the news that there's a
car going down I-40 the wrong way, please be careful"!!
Elmer replied,"Well I'll declare, it's not just
one....... there's hundreds of
Click the button to change this page to the CB band! Or this one!
HAM'S WAIST SIZE!
BROADBAND \brod' band\ n : An instrumental musical group made up
of older, rather coarse women. (AC0OK)
WHO IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PERSON IN THE
WORLD? A HAM WITH AN
IDEA, SOME WIRE.... AND A BOW AND ARROW IN HIS
A HAM NAMED ELMER LIVED WITH HIS XYL
NAMED SUE. WHILE AT THE QTH ONE NIGHT, SUE SUDDENLY WENT QRT.
ELMER PICKED UP THE PHONE, AND CALLED 911 AND
REPORTED THAT HIS WIFE HAD JUST DIED AND COULD SOMEONE COME OVER TO
PICK HER UP. THE OPERATOR ASKED FOR HIS ADDRESS AND ELMER SAID
HE LIVED ON THE END OF EUCALYPTUS LANE... THE 911 OPERATOR ASKED
HIM TO SPELL THAT. THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE ON THE END OF THE LINE
AND THEN ELMER SAID...... "HOW ABOUT I
JUST DRAG HER OVER TO OAK STREET AND YOU MEET ME
"Electricity originates inside clouds. There, it
forms into lightning, which is attracted to the Earth by golfers.
After entering the ground, the electricity hardens into coal, which,
when dug up by power companies and burned in big ovens called
'generators,' turns back into electricity...where it is transformed
by TV sets into commercials for beer, which passes through the
consumers and back into the ground, thus completing what is known as
a "circuit"........Dave Barry
Three brothers ages 92, 94, and
96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
He puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs and
says "Was I getting in or
The 94 year old yells back "I
don't know. I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and
pauses. Then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or
The 92 year old HAM is sitting in front
of his HF rig and listening to his brothers. He shakes his head,
picks up the mic and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
He knocks on wood for good measure. He then yells into the
mic, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see....
who's at the door. "OVER"
Two elderly hams had been friends for many decades. Over
the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures
on the ham bands. Lately, their activities have been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were
playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't
get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name and your call.!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember them. Please tell
me what they are." His friend glared at him. For at least three
minutes he just stared and glared at the gray haired old man..
Finally he said, "How soon do you need to
An elderly ham and his XYL were on a
cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of
the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old
woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so
the captain sent the old ham back to shore with the promise that
he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks
went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at
the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached
to her posterior was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 .
.please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl
and re-bait the trap!"
An old, old ham was lying in his death
bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was
chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each
breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip
cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the
stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge
platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it
to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the
cookies. Suddenly, his XYL slapped his hand sharply and yelled,
"DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the
An OM will pay $2 for a $1 item
he needs. An XYL will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
A YL worries about
the future until she gets an OM. An OM never worries about the
future until he gets an XYL!
successful OM is one who makes more money than his XYL can spend. A
successful YL is one who can find such a man!
A ham is
driving up a steep, narrow mountain road, his antennas flopping in
the breeze and flopping into the other lane. A YL is driving down
the same road. As they pass each other, the YL narrowly missed
the antennas and leans out of the window and yells...PIG! The
ham immediately leans out of his window and replies,
They each continue on their
way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in
the middle of the
If hams would only listen!
One of my local ham friends called the FCC to tell them
he had moved and wanted to change his address on the FCC
records from Texas to Vermont. The woman at the FCC who took
his call asked where Vermont was. As my Ham
friend tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm
not stupid or anything, just tell me what state is it
AN OM IS
INCOMPLETE until HE GETS AN XYL...... THEN HE IS
Turn on the
Bubba and Earl, two really dumb redneck Hams from
Kentucky, were in a local Wal-Mart store looking for Ham gear. Upon
not finding any, they decided to look around a bit. They
stumbled upon a weekly charity raffle.
They bought five
tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle
was drawn, each learned that he had won a prize.
Earl won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce
and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed and the men met back at Wal-Mart,
again, looking for Ham Radio goodies. Bubba asked Earl
how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love
spaghetti, but it sure is hard to solder and keep up in the air!"
Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to
Bubba (Tennessee mechanical engineers and ham radio operators)
were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up and trying to
figure out the best way to make a 20 meter stealth vertical out of
walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to
find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a
few bolts, and laid the flag pole down.
took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced,
"Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ray shook his
head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman!"
for the height and she gives us the length!"
Ray are currently working for the federal government designing
totally invisible towers for long range communications. They are
experiencing great difficulty in seeing the tower sections and
putting them together!
I was walking past the mental hospital
the other day with my trusty HT by my side, and all the patients
were shouting,'13....13....13'... Could it be that they were trying
to get me on CB channel 13? The fence was too high to see over,
but being the typical curious ham, I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through to see what was going on. Some nut case poked
me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting
'14....14....14'... ----------- Sneak Video
Peak! New Mobile
HF Stealth antenna commercial!
By special arrangement with one of the top 3 in ham
radios, we are allowed to give you a sneak peak at their NEW All
BAND HF "Stealth" mobile antenna to be released for sale later this
year. This page contains a behind the scenses video demonstration of
it in action as they were filming the commercial! We are not
allowed to disclose the mfg at this
time. Click Here To Watch the
THE NEW "OLD GEEZER" HAM LICENSE
product of the FCC restructuring. 1. No testing required.
The person is nominated by fellow hams. 2. No call sign needed.
The old geezer can not remember it anyway. 3. No code; arthritis
will hamper key use. Can not remember the code anyway. 4.
Voice communication; AM not SSB. The old geezer still has his
equipment from the 40's and 50's. 5. Limited to 1 crystal
controlled frequency on 80 meters. No limit on power output.
6. Two way contacts are not needed. Just get on the air and
start a monologue of complaints. 7. Hemroids, prostate, and the
weather are favorite topics. When are you an "OLD GEEZER"?
Your friends [if still have some] and fellow hams will let you know.
8. The difference between an OLD FART and an OLD GEEZER? The
old geezer is a lost cause. The old fart still has some cute old
guy left in him.
would like to tell us what you think about this page, just type in
your comments on the line to the
Recently we had a site review
that was not very favorable! Complaints of too many
graphics, colors, animations, cluttered, too long, too many jokes,
no planning, poor layout, ruff edges, bad grammer, awful "spellin"
and a host of other complaints! We have decided to revamp this
page and give those of you who do not like it, another version that
should please you and put our Humor Page back at the top of your
review list! CLICK HERE TO SEE
ADDRESSES, PHONE NUMBERS, EMAIL, CALL SIGNS, WEB URLS AND ANYTHING
THAT CAN CONNECT A REAL PERSON WITH ANY OF THIS IS INTENTIONAL TO
PROTECT THE GUILTY, THE INNOCENT AND ANYONE WHO MAY OR COULD
POSSIBLY KNOW N4UJW! -----------------------------------------------
Abbott and Costello....real
You have to be old
enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY
understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who
sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were
alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's
on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM
ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.
No, the name's
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
What about Windows?
Will it get stuffy in here?
Do you want a computer with
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
Never mind the windows.. I need a
computer and software.
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you
Yeah, for my office. Can you
COSTELLO: You just did what?
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my
Yes, for my
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just
say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What
do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
COSTELLO: The only word in office is
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
The Word you get when you click
the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with
some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with?
That's right. What do you
COSTELLO: I need money to track my
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
Money comes with my
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
I get a bundle of money with my
computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
Isn't it illegal to copy
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave
us a license to copy Money.
They can give you a license to
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
Super Duper computer store. Can I
How do I turn my computer
ABBOTT: Click on
good clean ham radio related jokes, etc you would like to see here?
Email them to us. n4ujw at hamuniverse.com