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| N4UJW HUMOR? PAGE |
| HOW TO COOK A HAM (SCROLL DOWN FOR INSTRUCTIONS) |
| "IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT JUST ME?" |
| INGREDIENTS: 1 HAM FULLY SEASONED, (TECH,GENERAL OR HIGHER) 1 PARABOLIC REFLECTOR (100FT DIAMETER) 1 MEGAWATT TRANSMITTER 1 FCC (EXPERIMENTAL PERMIT) 1 POUND BROWN SUGAR PROCEDURE: PLACE HAM INTO MAIN LOBE OF DISH COVER WITH BROWN SUGAR...MOVE BACK TUNE TRANSMITTER TO 100GHZ CW, APPLY FULL POWER UNTIL EYES OF HAM START GLOWING GREEN.....OR ANY OTHER COLOR FOR THAT MATTER..... CONTINUE ROASTING UNTIL HE YELLS I'M QRT! |
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| HI AND WELCOME TO MY HUMOR? PAGE...SPARKEY THE SKUNK BELOW IS NOT A HAM....YET!.......,BUT HE WILL SHOW YOU AROUND TILL YOU REMEMBER THAT YOU HAD A SKED 28 MINUTES AGO WITH A RARE DX STATION ON 20 METERS AND YOU WERE TO CALL THE XYL TO REMIND HER TO REMIND YOU TO REMIND HER SO SHE WOULD NOT FORGET TO CALL YOU ABOUT WHAT EVER IT WAS THAT YOU HAD FORGOTTEN TO TELL HER MOTHER BUT YOU JUST REMEMBERED THAT YOU HAD FORGOTEN TO PAY THE PHONE BILL AND THE TELEPHONE COMPANY DID NOT FORGET THAT YOU FORGOT, SO THEY CUT YOU OFF!!! "I FORGOT WHAT I WAS TO SAY TO YOU ABOUT THIS PAGE......MAYBE YOU CAN REMEMBER TO REMIND ME!!" |
| ATTENTION.....YOU CAN CONTROL THE HUMOR FILTER ON THIS PAGE BY FINDING THE CORRECT RED BLINKING LED...PAUSE OVER IT FOR A CLUE.......CLICK IT TO RETURN TO A NON-HUMOR PAGE........MAYBE!!! |
| ALL NAMES, ADDRESSES, PHONE NUMBERS, EMAIL, CALL SIGNS, WEB URLS AND ANYTHING THAT CAN CONNECT A REAL PERSON WITH ANY OF THIS IS INTENTIONAL TO PROTECT THE GUILTY, THE INNOCENT AND ANYONE WHO MAY OR COULD POSSIBLY KNOW N4UJW! ANY COOKING INSTRUCTIONS ON THIS PAGE SHOULD BE DONE UNDER THE SUPERVISION OF AN AMATEUR RADIO OPERATOR HOLDING AT LEAST AN EXTRA CALL SIGN OVER AN OPEN FLAME FOR TEN MINUTES OR UNTIL THE BAND CHANGES!......BO NA PE TEET |
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| YOU MIGHT BE A HAM IF........ 1. YOUR WIFE SAID "LETS GO SEE AUNT ANNA AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID ANTENNA! 2. YOUR WIFE SAID "COULD YOU CUT THE GRASS?" AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID POUND THE BRASS! 3. YOUR WIFE SAID "WE'VE BEEN INVITED TO BREAKFAST AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID HAM FEST! 4. YOUR WIFE SAID "SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THE CHECK BOOK AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID LOG BOOK! 5. YOUR WIFE SAID "IS MY SEAM STRAIGHT? AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID, " IS MY BEAM STRAIGHT?' Y ou might be hard of hearing too!! N4UJW |
| DANGER...DANGER... QRM OVERLOAD ON THIS PAGE RF BURN HAZARD! |
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| PUT YOUR POINTER ON SPARKEY FOR A SCRATCH N SNIFF SURPRISE! |
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| COUNTER CALIBRATED DECEMBER 32, 2001 NEEDS CALIBRATION AGAIN BUT MY CALIBRATOR NEEDS CALIBRATING! |
| THA NUE MOWBULL SET UP WITH ALL THE EXTERSS! TAKE A LUK AT MI NU 2 MEATER BEEM I SHORE AR PROWDE OF IT! |
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| NOTICE TO WEB MASTERS AFTER NUMEROUS REQUESTS FOR PLANS FOR MY HUMOR FILTER HAVE FLOODED MY EMAIL, I HAVE DECIDED TO PUBLISH PART OF THE PLANS NOW AND MORE AS TIME PERMITS ....USE EXTREME CAUTION IF YOU BUILD ONE OF THESE FOR YOUR SITE....RESULTS ARE VERY UN-PREDICTABLE! PICTURE BELOW IS PART OF MAIN CIRCUIT BOARD MAGNIFIED 97,000 TIMES ACTUAL SIZE! WARNING!! DO NOT PAUSE YOUR MOUSE POINTER ON THE PICTURE IF RED LED IS BLINKING! |
| SOME PARTS RETRIEVED FROM CRASHED UFO SITES THAT LITTER NEVADA NEAR AN AREA CALLED 51 OTHERS FROM RADIO SHACK! SCROLL DOWN FOR SCHEMATIC! |
| HIGH SPEED CONNECTION DESIRED ON THIS PAGE LOTS OF PITCHERS! TAKE A BREAK! PAGE WORKS BEST WITH INTERNET EXPLORER BROWSER! |
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ATTENTION......TO THE HAMS OF EARTH OR TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN......THE SCHEMATIC FOR THE ABOVE HUMOR FILTER HAS BEEN DELETED FROM THIS SPACE BY THE INTERGALACTIC HUMOR FEDERATION!! WE BELIEVE IN SOME HUMOR FOR ALL, EVEN THOUGH IT IS NOT FUNNY!! ANY FUTURE ATTEMPTS TO ADD IT AGAIN TO THIS SPACE OR SITE WILL BE CONSIDERED AS AN ACT OF NON HUMOR AND WILL RESULT IN SEVERE DIGITAL DATA TRANSFER ERROR DISRUPTIONS OF ALL ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE BINARY ENCODING PROTOCOL CONVERTING AND CORRECTION CIRCUITS THAT WILL CREATE A NON STABLE HIGH INTENSITY MAGNETIC FIELD IN YOUR HARD DRIVE.......AND BELIEVE US..... THAT WOULD NOT BE FUNNY!!!!!! signed....THE I.H.F END OF XMISSION |
| SCHEMATIC FOR HUMOR FILTER |
| READY FOR FIELD DAY ! |
| A HAM NAMED ELMER LIVED WITH HIS XYL NAMED SUE. WHILE AT THE QTH ONE NIGHT, SUE SUDDENLY WENT QRT. (DIED). ELMER PICKED UP THE PHONE, AND CALLED 911 AND REPORTED THAT HIS WIFE HAD JUST DIED AND COULD SOMEONE COME OVER TO PICK HER UP. THE OPERATOR ASKED FOR HIS ADDRESS AND ELMER SAID HE LIVED ON THE END OF EUCALYPTUS LANE...SHE ASKED HIM TO SPELL THAT. THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE ON THE END OF THE LINE AND THEN ELMER SAID. "HOW ABOUT I JUST DRAG HER OVER TO OAK STREET AND YOU MEET ME THERE"!! |
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| N4UJW |
| HEARD ON 2O METERS “Yesterday, my XYL said she’d leave me if I didn’t give up ham radio. Over.” |
| Two elderly hams had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures on the ham bands. Lately, their activities have been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name and your call.! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember them. Please tell me what they are." His friend glared at him. For at least three minutes he just stared and glared at the gray haired old man.. Finally he said, "How soon do you need to know? |
| TOOOOO MUCH SEASONING ON THESE OM! |
| GOT ANY GOOD CLEAN HAM RELATED STUFF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE HERE??? EMAIL US |
| An elderly ham and his XYL were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old ham back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her posterior was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . .please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!" |
| Three brothers ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. He puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs and says "Was I getting in or out?" The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses. Then he yells "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old HAM is sitting in front of his HF rig and listening to his brothers. He shakes his head picks up the mic and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good measure. He then yells into the mic, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door". |
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| ASPCA NOTICE NO WILD ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE CONSTRUCTION OF THIS PAGE.....ONLY HUMANS! |
| Electricity originates inside clouds. There, it forms into lightning, which is attracted to the Earth by golfers. After entering the ground, the electricity hardens into coal, which, when dug up by power companies and burned in big ovens called 'generators,' turns back into electricity...where it is transformed by TV sets into commercials for beer, which passes through the consumers and back into the ground, thus completing what is known as a "circuit"........Dave Barry |
| IS IT OK TO OPERATE AM AFTER NOON?? |
| An old, old ham was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his XYL slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the funeral!" |
| An OM will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. An XYL will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. A YL worries about the future until she gets an OM. An OM never worries about the future until he gets an XYL! A successful OM is one who makes more money than his XYL can spend. A successful YL is one who can find such a man! |
| A ham is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road, his antennas flapping in the breeze and flopping into the other lane. A YL is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the YL narrowly missed them and leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The ham immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If men would only listen!!!. |
| AN OM IS INCOMPLETE UNTILL HE GETS AN XYL...... THEN HE IS FINISHED! |
| I'M A HAM! |
| NOTICE IF THIS PAGE LOADED SLOWER THAN YOU EXPECTED, CHECK OUT YOUR COMPUTER WITH THESE FREE TESTS! CLICK HERE |
| CAUTION....HUMOR FILTER MALFUNCTION! |
| LETTERS FROM ELMER A. HAMOPRATER "HOW TO OPRATE YOUR RIG" "HOW TO PUT UP AN ANTENNER" "EMERGUNCY BAKUP POWUR" By a TENNESSEE HILLBILLY HAM! (helpful hints and tips and adventures from a "ham" in the hills of Tennessee) |
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| My Ham friend called the FCC to tell them he had moved and wanted to change his address on the FCC records from Texas to Vermont. The woman at the FCC who took the call asked where Vermont was. As my Ham friend tried to explain, she interrupted and said, ``Look, I'm not stupid or anything, just tell me what state is it in?'' |
| An elderly ham driver was going down the interstate when suddenly his 2 meter rig crackled his call...Answering...he heard a fellow ham's urgent warning....."Hey Elmer, just heard on the news that there's a car going down I 40 the wrong way, please be careful"!! Elmer replied,"Well I'll declare, it's not just one.......there's hundreds of them'!!!!!!!!! |
| YET ANOTHER NOTICE! Recently we had a site review that was not very favorable! Complaints of too many graphics, animations, cluttered, too long, too many jokes, no planning, poor layout, ruff edges, bad grammer, awful "spellin" and a host of other complaints! We have decided to revamp this page and give those of you who do not like it, another version that should please you and put our Humor Page back at the top of your review list! CLICK HERE TO SEE IT! |
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| HAM WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.....AUTOMATIC GAIN CONTROL! |
| "BANDWIDTH" A HAM'S WAIST SIZE! |
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| HAM COOKOUT...ALMOST DONE! |
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| WHO IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PERSON IN THE WORLD? A HAM WITH AN IDEA, SOME WIRE AND A BOW AND ARROW IN HIS HAND! |
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| If you would like to comment on this page....please type your comments on the line below! __ |
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| HELP WANTED! SEE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE |
| HELP WANTED! SEE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE |
| HELP WANTED! SEE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE |
| FLASH! NEW SOFTWARE PROGRAMER DEVELOPS PROGRAM TO CHANGE YOUR COMPUTER MONITOR INTO A DIGITAL SCANNER! TAKE YOUR PICTURE WHILE ON THE WEB! NO CAMERA NEEDED! CLICK HERE FOR LIVE DEMO NOW |
| Caution! This web page constructed on a closed keyboard using a non-professional driver. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DO THIS AT HOME! |
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| Bubba and Earl, two really dumb redneck Hams from Kentucky, were in a local Wal-Mart store looking for Ham gear. Upon not finding any, they decided to look around a bit. They stumbled upon a weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each learned that he had won a prize. Earl won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed and the men met back at Wal-Mart, again, looking for Ham Radio goodies. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti, but is sure is hard to solder and keep up in the air!" Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper." |
| NOTICE IF THIS PAGE LOADED SLOWER THAN YOU EXPECTED, CHECK OUT YOUR COMPUTER WITH THESE FREE TESTS! CLICK HERE |
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| Sneak Video Peak! New Mobile HF Stealth antenna commercial! By special arrangement with one of the top 3 in ham radios, we are allowed to give you a sneak peak at their NEW All BAND HF "Stealth" mobile antenna to be released for sale later this year. This page contains a video demonstration of it in action as they were filming the commercial! We are not allowed to disclose the mfg at this time. Click Here To Watch the Video! |
| THE HAMMOBILE HAS LANDED! Click Picture! > |
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