Some text on this page
intentionally enlarged for some of you
OM. If it is too large for some of
you....just turn down your rf gain!
DANGER...DANGER... QRM OVERLOAD
ON THIS PAGE---DUE TO OPERATOR MALFUNCTION... RF BURNS TO THE BRAIN
POSSIBLE Use Caution! This web
page constructed on a closed keyboard using a non-professional driver
while on a cell phone! ASPCA NOTICE No wild animals
were harmed during the construction of this page, only tame ham radio
operators!
All dangerous high powered operations on this web page
resulting in extreme rf exposure were performed by freebanders
only, following exact rules of FCC Part
95!
Now that all those disclaimers are
behind us......have fun!
I am not a
turkey, I'm a ham!
HEARD ON
2O METERS "Yesterday, my XYL said she'd leave
me if I didn't give up ham radio. Over."
Hi and welcome to my ham radio
humor page. I will show you around this page that contains a bit of ham
radio humor but first you need to remember that you had a sked 29 minutes
ago with a rare DX station on 20 meters and you were to call the XYL to
remind her to remind you to remind her so she would not forget to call you
about whatever it was that you had forgotten to tell her mother, but you
just remembered that you had forgotten to pay the phone bill and the
telephone company did not forget that you forgot....so they cut you
off!!! I forgot what I was going to say to you about this
page...maybe you can remember to remind me!!! To find me, just tune
your CB to Channel 19, I am there shooting Skip again.... I tried once
before but he survived!
THE HAMMOBILE HAS
LANDED! Click Picture! > then come back for
more!
HOW TO
COOK A HAM (SCROLL DOWN FOR
INSTRUCTIONS)
INGREDIENTS: 1 ea HAM RADIO OPERATOR
FULLY SEASONED, WITH A TECH, GENERAL OR HIGHER
LICENSE
1 ea PARABOLIC REFLECTOR (100 FT
DIAMETER)
1ea 1 MEGAWATT TRANSMITTER
1ea FCC
(EXPERIMENTAL PERMIT) 1ea POUND BROWN
SUGAR
PROCEDURE: PLACE 1 ea HAM INTO MAIN LOBE OF DISH AT
THE FOCAL POINT AS IN PICTURE BELOW AND SECURE
WELL.
BREAK, BREAK,
BREAK!
COVER HIM WELL WITH BROWN SUGAR... (It is
sometimes best to start with a coating of honey)
TUNE
TRANSMITTER TO 100GHZ FM,
APPLY FULL POWER UNTIL EYES OF
HAM START GLOWING GREEN....
MOVE BACK...THERE WILL BE
YELLING AND SCREAMING! (Protect your ears!)
....CONTINUE
RADIATING UNTILL HE YELLS I'M
QRT!
(Recipe courtesy
of a Freebander who failed his Tech
exam!
(Editors note) ANY
COOKING INSTRUCTIONS ON THIS PAGE SHOULD BE DONE UNDER THE
SUPERVISION OF AN AMATEUR RADIO OPERATOR HOLDING AT LEAST AN
EXTRA CALL SIGN OVER AN OPEN FLAME FOR TEN MINUTES OR UNTIL THE
BAND CHANGES! ALL COOKING PROCEDURES SHOULD ONLY BE DONE USING NEW
FINAL TUBES! ....BONE A PAH
TEET!.... Click here to check your
ERP! AND DON'T BUY A
FORD! THEN COME BACK
HERE!
YOU MIGHT BE A HAM IF........ 1. YOUR WIFE SAID "LETS GO SEE AUNT ANNA" AND YOU
THOUGHT SHE SAID ANTENNA! 2. YOUR WIFE SAID "COULD YOU CUT THE GRASS?" AND
YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID POUND
THE BRASS! 3. YOUR WIFE SAID "WE'VE BEEN INVITED TO BREAKFAST" AND
YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID HAM
FEST! 4. YOUR WIFE SAID "SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THE CHECK
BOOK" AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID LOG BOOK! 5. YOUR WIFE SAID "IS MY SEAM STRAIGHT?" AND YOU
THOUGHT SHE SAID,
" IS MY BEAM STRAIGHT?"
You might be hard of hearing
too!!
Is it OK to operate AM....after NOON?
Ham Weight Loss Program.....AUTOMATIC GAIN CONTROL!
The new Mobile Shack ready for field day...complete with
all the extras! Take
a look at my new 2 meter beam...I shore are proud of it!
FLASH! NEW SOFTWARE PROGRAM THAT CHANGES YOUR COMPUTER
MONITOR INTO A DIGITAL PHOTO SCANNER! TAKE YOUR PICTURE WHILE ON THE
WEB! SEE WHAT YOU REALY LOOK LIKE TO OTHERS! NO CAMERA NEEDED!
(The software and your monitor does it all! Click here
for a live DEMO!
An
elderly ham driver was going down the interstate when suddenly his 2
meter rig crackled his call...Answering...he heard a fellow ham's
urgent warning....."Hey Elmer, just heard on the news that there's a
car going down I-40 the wrong way, please be careful"!!
Elmer replied,"Well I'll declare, it's not just
one....... there's hundreds of
them'!!!!!!!!!
Click the button to change this page to the CB band! Or this
one!
"BANDWIDTH" A
HAM'S WAIST SIZE!
Definition:
BROADBAND \brod' band\ n : An instrumental musical group made up
of older, rather coarse women. (AC0OK)
WHO IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PERSON IN THE
WORLD? A HAM WITH AN
IDEA, SOME WIRE.... AND A BOW AND ARROW IN HIS
HAND!
A HAM NAMED ELMER LIVED WITH HIS XYL
NAMED SUE. WHILE AT THE QTH ONE NIGHT, SUE SUDDENLY WENT QRT.
(DIED).
ELMER PICKED UP THE PHONE, AND CALLED 911 AND
REPORTED THAT HIS WIFE HAD JUST DIED AND COULD SOMEONE COME OVER TO
PICK HER UP. THE OPERATOR ASKED FOR HIS ADDRESS AND ELMER SAID
HE LIVED ON THE END OF EUCALYPTUS LANE... THE 911 OPERATOR ASKED
HIM TO SPELL THAT. THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE ON THE END OF THE LINE
AND THEN ELMER SAID...... "HOW ABOUT I
JUST DRAG HER OVER TO OAK STREET AND YOU MEET ME
THERE"!!
"Electricity originates inside clouds. There, it
forms into lightning, which is attracted to the Earth by golfers.
After entering the ground, the electricity hardens into coal, which,
when dug up by power companies and burned in big ovens called
'generators,' turns back into electricity...where it is transformed
by TV sets into commercials for beer, which passes through the
consumers and back into the ground, thus completing what is known as
a "circuit"........Dave Barry
Three brothers ages 92, 94, and
96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
He puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs and
says "Was I getting in or
out?"
The 94 year old yells back "I
don't know. I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and
pauses. Then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or
down?"
The 92 year old HAM is sitting in front
of his HF rig and listening to his brothers. He shakes his head,
picks up the mic and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
He knocks on wood for good measure. He then yells into the
mic, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see....
who's at the door. "OVER"
Two elderly hams had been friends for many decades. Over
the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures
on the ham bands. Lately, their activities have been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were
playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't
get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name and your call.!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember them. Please tell
me what they are." His friend glared at him. For at least three
minutes he just stared and glared at the gray haired old man..
Finally he said, "How soon do you need to
know?
An elderly ham and his XYL were on a
cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of
the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the
old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old ham back to shore with the
promise that he would notify him as soon as they found
something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax
from the boat. It read:
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found
your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to
the deck and attached to her posterior was an oyster and in it
was a pearl worth $50,000 . .please advise" The old man
faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!"
An old, old ham was lying in his death
bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was
chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each
breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip
cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the
stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge
platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it
to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the
cookies. Suddenly, his XYL slapped his hand sharply and yelled,
"DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the
funeral!"
An OM will pay $2 for a $1 item
he needs. An XYL will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.
A YL worries about
the future until she gets an OM. An OM never worries about the
future until he gets an XYL!
A
successful OM is one who makes more money than his XYL can spend. A
successful YL is one who can find such a man!
A ham is
driving up a steep, narrow mountain road, his antennas flopping in
the breeze and flopping into the other lane. A YL is driving down
the same road. As they pass each other, the YL narrowly missed
the antennas and leans out of the window and yells...PIG! The
ham immediately leans out of his window and replies,
"WITCH!!"
They each continue on their
way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in
the middle of the
road.
If hams would only listen!
-----------------------------
One of my local ham friends called the FCC to tell them
he had moved and wanted to change his address on the FCC
records from Texas to Vermont. The woman at the FCC who took
his call asked where Vermont was. As my Ham
friend tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm
not stupid or anything, just tell me what state is it
in?''
AN OM IS
INCOMPLETE until HE GETS AN XYL...... THEN HE IS
FINISHED!
Stealth mode!
Turn on the
attenuator.....pleeeessee!
Bubba and Earl, two really dumb
redneck Hams from Kentucky, were in a local Wal-Mart store looking
for Ham gear. Upon not finding any, they decided to look around a
bit. They stumbled upon a weekly charity
raffle.
They bought five tickets
each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was
drawn, each
learned that he had won a prize. Earl won 1st place, a year's
supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed and the men met back
at Wal-Mart, again, looking for Ham Radio goodies.
Bubba asked Earl how he liked
his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti, but it
sure is hard to solder and keep up in the air!" Earl asked
Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?" "Not so good,"
replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to
paper." =====================
I was
walking past the mental hospital the other day with my trusty HT by
my side, and all the patients were shouting,'13....13....13'...
Could it be that they were trying to get me on CB channel 13?
The fence was too high
to see over, but being the typical curious ham, I saw a little gap
in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some
nut case poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started
shouting '14....14....14'... ----------- Sneak Video
Peak! New Mobile HF
Stealth antenna commercial!
By special
arrangement with one of the top 3 in ham radios, we are allowed to
give you a sneak peak at their NEW All BAND HF "Stealth" mobile
antenna to be released for sale later this year. This page contains
a behind the scenses video demonstration of it in action as they
were filming the commercial! We are not allowed to disclose the
mfg at this time. Click
Here To Watch the
Video!
THE NEW "OLD GEEZER" HAM LICENSE
A
product of the FCC restructuring. 1. No testing required.
The person is nominated by fellow hams. 2. No call sign needed.
The old geezer can not remember it anyway. 3. No code; arthritis
will hamper key use. Can not remember the code anyway. 4.
Voice communication; AM not SSB. The old geezer still has his
equipment from the 40's and 50's. 5. Limited to 1 crystal
controlled frequency on 80 meters. No limit on power output.
6. Two way contacts are not needed. Just get on the air and
start a monologue of complaints. 7. Hemroids, prostate, and the
weather are favorite topics. When are you an "OLD GEEZER"?
Your friends [if still have some] and fellow hams will let you know.
8. The difference between an OLD FART and an OLD GEEZER? The
old geezer is a lost cause. The old fart still has some cute old
guy left in him.
(N9JO)
If you
would like to tell us what you think about this page, just type in
your comments on the line
below:
___
Recently we had a site review
that was not very favorable! Complaints of too many
graphics, colors, animations, cluttered, too long, too many jokes,
no planning, poor layout, ruff edges, bad grammer, awful "spellin"
and a host of other complaints! We have decided to revamp this
page and give those of you who do not like it, another version that
should please you and put our Humor Page back at the top of your
review list! CLICK HERE TO SEE
IT!
ALL NAMES,
ADDRESSES, PHONE NUMBERS, EMAIL, CALL SIGNS, WEB URLS AND ANYTHING
THAT CAN CONNECT A REAL PERSON WITH ANY OF THIS IS INTENTIONAL TO
PROTECT THE GUILTY, THE INNOCENT AND ANYONE WHO MAY OR COULD
POSSIBLY KNOW N4UJW!
Got any good clean ham radio related
jokes, etc you would like to see here? Email them to us. n4ujw at
hamuniverse.com